The Broken Hearted Fan Gets Snippy
by USAFChief
Summary: Crack!fic for TIVA lovers or haters or inbetweeners.


Disclaimer: The TV show NCIS belongs to CBS and Don Bellisario. I do like to think about them, though, and how things would be different if I were in charge.

Dedication: This one is dedicated to PT21 who said that what I posted was not enough. This is for her. I hope she likes it.

This is another crack!fic loosely based on MEWofford's story, _The Fan_, and my previous attempts at a little humor. This one will make more sense if you read those first.

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The Broken Hearted Fan Gets Snippy

"Agent David, how may I help you?" Ziva said into her phone.

"Oh, Ziva, you have broken the hearts of thousands of TIVA lovers," sobbed the voice at the other end of the line.

Ziva was alone in the office so she could not motion to McGee to start a trace on the phone call. "I am sorry. I do not know what you are talking about."

"You should be sorry, Ziva David. The voice was a little louder, less tear filled. "You made a mockery of TIVA. You must have broken poor Tony's heart, and you used little Tim to try to make us believe you were making love with Tony. I have to know what happened to turn things so wrong!"

"Ahh, you are the mystery lady who is hot for TIVA."

"Yes…and I still want to know how you wound up in bed with Tim and not Tony!"

"If you must know, Tony refused to wax his chest and back. He said that DiNozzo men do not do wax jobs. I refuse to have sex with another hairy man – even for a mission, so I chose Tim instead."

"Don't you get snippy with me, young lady. You may be a Mossad trained assassin, but I think I can take you – you lost the edge while you were away and I'm a tough old bird."

"What is the meaning of 'snippy,' I do not understand."

"Get Abby to tell you, I'm not going to take the time. Now tell me why you would ask poor Tony to wax his chest and back. All that hair is gorgeous. Makes him a manly man…mmm mmm, good."

"I told you. I will not have sex with another hairy man. I believe I would be physically ill if I did. Michael ruined it for me. He was a very hairy man and he only used me to complete his mission. When I think of him it just makes me sick."

"Oh…okay, I think I understand that. So we have two choices. We either have to get the hair off DiNozzo, or we have to change your point of view. I think you have been through enough, so I won't try to change your mind, but I will work on getting the hair off DiNozzo if you agree to follow through."

"By follow through, do you mean, have sex with Tony?"

"Yes. But you have to be in looove. Otherwise it won't be TIVA, and TIVA is what we must have."

"You must give me time to think, mystery lady. Gibbs said, 'take one for the team,' and I did. That mission is complete. I am satiated. Tim was very good."

"I don't want to hear that crap, Ziva! I've told everyone we're going to get TIVA this season. I've got everyone ready for it to happen. You can't back out now. You know you love Tony. There are thousands of us just waiting for it to happen. Don't break our hearts, please." Ziva could hear whimpering and sniffling.

"I will think about it. Now I must go ask Abby about snippy."

"I'm not going to let go of this, Ziva. We're going to have TIVA even if I have to do something drastic. I'll be in touch." Ziva heard the line disconnect.

She immediately rose from her chair and set off to Abby's lab.

"Hi, Ziva!" yelled the always effervescent Abby Scuito. Her music was ear hurting loud as usual.

"Please turn down the music, Abby."

"Oh…okay." Abby reduced the booming guitars and screeching voices to a lower level. "Nice to see you, Ziva. What brings you to Abby's lab? Need a specimen analyzed?"

"No. I need you to tell me the meaning of snippy."

"Well, it means…let's look it up. My second grade teacher told me not to be snippy to her once when she told me to leave my hunting dog at home, and I thought she meant 'don't talk back,' but maybe there's another meaning." Abby paused as she brought up the Merriam Webster on-line dictionary. "It means, 'short tempered or snappish;' another definition is 'unduly brief or curt.' Somebody call you snippy, Ziva?"

"Yes." Ziva replied absently. "The mystery lady. I think I was not snippy with her."

Abby shouted as she turned quickly to Ziva, "You mean the TIVA mystery lady? The one who tied up Tony and hit him with a bull whip?"

"Yes."

Abby was beside herself with curiosity. "What did she want, Ziva? What did she say? I thought Gibbs had this all figured out and that she was gone back home. Does she still want TIVA, is that what this is about?"

"Abby, calm down. Yes, she still wants TIVA. She says that I cannot disappoint thousands of fans who want TIVA. I thought it was all over, but our deception did not work, it seems."

"Oh, you mean when you had sex with Tim instead of Tony hoping that they would think it was TIVA in the bedroom?"

"Abby! How do you know this?"

"Tim told me. He could never keep anything from me and when I saw him come in last week with that shit eating grin on his face I knew he got some, so I made him spill the beans."

"I did not completely understand what you said, Abby. Too many idioms. What is a shit eating grin and how does spilling the beans bear on this?"

Abby smiled hugely at her friend. "You know that smile that men keep on their faces for a couple of days after having good sex?" Ziva nodded. "That's a shit eating grin. And Tim had one. And I made him tell me who, how, what and when." Abby's pigtails were bouncing as she finished the explanation. "What I don't know is **why** you didn't do Tony."

"You are not angry with me, Abby?"

"No! Timmy needed to get laid and I wasn't going to do it, so I'm glad you did. It did him the world of good – built his confidence up no end. Now tell me why you didn't do it with Tony. I think the two of you are meant for each other."

"He would not wax his chest and back."

"Why would you ask him to do that? I thought you liked his hairy butt."

"I do, it's cute. But…did you ever see Michael Rivken?"

"Yes."

"He was a very hairy man. After he seduced me to complete his mission, I am now completely turned off by men with chest and back hair. So I told Gibbs and Tony that I would sleep with Tony only if he waxed his chest and back. Tony said no. Gibbs sort of volunteered Tim, and then Tim quickly volunteered himself when asked. So we planned a subterfuge. It obviously did not work. I will question Tony and Tim to find out if they know why."

"Ask us what, sweet cheeks?" asked Tony and he and McGee walked into the lab.

"If you know how the mystery lady found out that it was Tim in my bed and not you."

Tony turned white as a sheet and grabbed McGee's shoulder to keep from falling. "Wha…how…what happened, Ziva?"

"She called me and asked me why Tim and not Tony. How does she know, Tony, did you tell her?"

"Ahh…no…I didn't have to tell her."

"What do you mean?"

"She called while you and McGee were doing it. You kept yelling Tony – Tony, at the top of your voice, and she asked me how I was able to talk on the phone and do you at the same time…and then you yelled 'MCGEEEE.' She knew then, I think, cause she hung up."

"I did not call out McGee's name! I told you I would call out your name, and I did!"

Abby spoke up, "That was snippy, Ziva."

At almost the same time, Tony said, "Ziva, you did yell McGee's name - louder than mine."

Tony and Ziva had a did-not, did-too back and forth that ended in a glaring standoff.

Ziva said, "We must find a way to keep Gibbs out of this and get this woman out of our lives. He will be very angry if he finds we have failed in our mission to take one for the team."

"Who will be angry, Ziva," asked Palmer as he entered the lab. He held out an evidence bag to Abby for her to sign for.

"Go away, autopsy gremlin," said Tony through his hands covering his face.

"That's no way to speak to someone who kept you in Jamaican blend all the time Gibbs was in Mexico, Tony. That was downright snippy."

Tim looked up quickly, "What's up with the snippy stuff today? That's twice in ten minutes someone has used that term. What's going on?"

"Never mind, Tim, it's not important," said Abby.

Palmer was all smiles as he asked, "What's up guys? Why the campfire in the lab?"

Abby was the first to speak up. "We have to find a way to get Ziva and Tony in bed so we can keep the boss man from finding out that the mystery lady is back."

Palmer turned away to leave saying, "Good luck with that…I'm leaving now. I don't need any part of that."

"Wait, Jimmy. You're in medical school. Do you know of any depilatories we can use on Tony that don't hurt?"

"Whadya mean?"

"Well, Ziva won't sleep with Tony 'til he removes all the hair on his chest and back. Tony refuses to wax 'cause it hurts. Do you know anything that we can use to remove the hair from Tony's body?"

"Not his butt," Piped up Ziva. "Only his chest and back."

"I'm not doing it," came Tony's muffled voice from between his hands. He was slumped forward on Abby's lab stool and was obviously still shaken from the news of the mystery lady.

"C'mon, Tony, you gotta help us out here…or do you want to tell Gibbs you did not fully complete your mission?" asked Abby.

"What do you know about our mission?"

"Everything. Ziva and Tim told me everything."

Palmer's eyes were bright with excitement. "What was the mission? Why didn't you finish it? How can I help? Yes, I know how to remove hair. I even have a straight razor that I use to shave corpses sometimes. I can help. I know I can. What's the mission?"

Ziva's cell phone began to ring. She checked the caller ID and found it was the same number as the call that she had received earlier at her desk. She told McGee to trace the call before she answered, putting it on the speaker, "Agent David, how may I help you?"

"Ziva, it's me again. I forgot to ask you a question earlier that has really been bugging me. What was it like to be on Tony's shoulders with your twat pressed against his neck knowing that only two little pieces of cloth separated your skin from his?"

Tony groaned out loud at both the voice and the question.

"That you, DiNozzo? I'd recognize that groan anywhere after listening to you with those cuffs on. How did you feel with Ziva riding your shoulders? Make you wish you'd carried out my demands?"

Tony groaned again. Ziva laughed out loud saying, "It was a fine ride. Tony was a good mount, turning exactly as I directed. I was very happy to stroke his neck in return for the good feeling he gave me. The dismount was fun also, although he did not seem to appreciate it much."

"You think more about TIVA?"

"I came to Abby's lab to ask her about snippy. We have also talked about getting rid of Tony's body hair, he is still unwilling."

"I'll take care of that. Get ready DiNozzo! I'm coming to see you again!"

"No! I don't want you to come see me again. I'll never go home again. You'll never find me."

"Then do the right thing for TIVA, you furniture moving Italian gigolo!" The line went dead.

Palmer asked, "What did she mean by that?"

As Ducky entered the room, he said, "Tony once moved some furniture for Mother when he was guarding her. That same day she called him an Italian gigolo as I recall. Was that our kissing mystery woman on the phone again? I do so want to spend a little time with her. Did she say whether she is still here in town? How do you suppose she knows what Mother called Tony? She really is a very prescient woman."

"She only said that she was coming to see DiNozzo. Tim, were you able to get a trace on the call?"

"Yeah, she's in town, all right. She was either in Tony's apartment or very close to it, but she's on the move now. Unh oh, she just turned off her cell phone. There went my trace."

"She was in my apartment!? Oh, god, I really liked that apartment. I can never go back there again. Probie, will you pick up some clothes for me? I'll have to stay in a motel tonight."

"No, Tony, I will not go get your clothes," said Tim.

"And neither will I," said Ziva immediately. She had an evil smile on her face. "However, you may stay at my place tonight, if you wish, instead of a motel." She winked at Abby.

"Really? That would be great. Save me some money, too. Thank you, Ziva, thank you."

Tony left saying that he would get some underwear and a shirt from his locker before he headed for Ziva's apartment.

As Tim walked away, Ziva said, "Tim, please check that cell phone and let me know when it comes back on line."

"Okay, Ziva, will do," and he walked out headed for the bullpen.

"I must go consult with the county ME, Mr. Palmer. Please be certain everything is locked away properly before you leave. Ziva, if that lady calls again, please ask her if she would like to come to my home for tea – at her convenience."

Ziva caught Palmer's eye and said, "Jimmy come to my apartment at 8:30 tonight. Bring your straight razor. Wear a mask unless you want DiNozzo to recognize you. Do you remember how to get to my apartment?"

Jimmy grinned broadly, "Yes, I remember from your last dinner party. I'll be there, and I'll bring shave cream and other stuff, too!"

He headed back to autopsy. Abby and Ziva could hear him saying, "Oh, boy. I'll teach him to call me autopsy gremlin. This will be fun!"

Abby turned to Ziva, "What do you have in that evil mind of yours?"

"I shall teach DiNozzo that he should not reject my requests. Will you help me?"

Abby clenched her fists, pumped them in the air and jumped up and down squealing. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Then there is someone else we must have involved as well. Hopefully her phone is back on line now," said Ziva as she pressed the button to select the last number that had called her.

Chapter Two

**Ziva's Apartment 1900 **

"Tony, was the marinara sauce okay? I only had an hour to make it and I hope it was up to your standard."

"It was delicious, Ziva, and the pasta was perfectly _al dente_ – just the way I like it." Tony shook his head and looked up at Ziva, "You mind if I take a little nap before we start the movie? Worrying about that crazy lady has taken a lot out of me today."

"No problem, Tony. Just lie back on the couch. Use one of the throw pillows for your head." Ziva was grinning widely as she turned away.

Just as Ziva finished filling the dishwasher, she heard a light knock at the front door. She walked quickly to the entry way and opened the door. The woman standing there was almost six feet tall with a cap of white hair. She was wearing a brown trench coat and carried a large purse-like bag. "Hello, Ziva," she said softly. "Is he out already?"

"Yes. I can no longer call you mystery lady, what is your name?"

"You can call me Snippy. I brought my scissors."

As Ziva began to close the door, Abby arrived having skipped down the hall. Her pigtails were still shaking as she turned sideways to get through the door before it closed. "Hi! Everything going as planned?"

"Yes. Abby, this is Snippy, the mystery lady. Snippy, I suppose you recognize Abby."

"Oh, yes, and I'm certain she remembers me. I told her to grow up. She paid more attention than DiNozzo – she solved that crime out in LA and got Eric involved, too. Good one, Abby!"

"Thanks, Snippy. We ready to get started?"

"We can move him to the bedroom. He will be out for an hour or so. Thank you for the knockout drops, Abby. He almost did not finish his meal before he was asleep."

The three women carried Tony to the bedroom and put him on the bed. They undressed him to his boxers and cuffed his hands to the headboard. They also tied his feet to the footboard using silk scarves Ziva took from her closet.

"Okay, time to get dressed," said Abby.

"I'm dressed," said Snippy as she shrugged out of the trench coat showing the crimson corset that Tony had described. She reached into her bag and came out with the scissors and a bullwhip – also bright red. She was chuckling – "hehehe" "This is going to be fun!"

"What did you bring me, Abby?" asked Ziva.

"A corset just like hers, except in white satin. I figured you had stockings and a thong, and I just couldn't find any cowboy boots on short notice, so you can wear those high heel boots you wore to the club a couple of weeks ago. I did get some spurs though. I also have a mask of black and white feathers that will cover most of your face."

"What are you going to wear?"

"Black, of course."

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP.

DiNozzo started to wake to the feeling of being held down by several hands on his abdomen…and he couldn't move his arms – or his feet. "Oh, god," he murmured, "Not again! This can't be happening again!"

As he raised his head and opened his eyes, he saw three apparitions in red, white and black. Three women…in corsets…two with masks covering their faces, but the other was out of his worst nightmare. "Nooo! Keep those scissors away from me! You might put out my eye!"

"That's only when you run, DiNozzo, and you're definitely not running anywhere tonight, so just pipe down while I finish this. Blackie, if he says another word, hit him with your riding crop!"

The woman wearing the black corset turned to the nearby chest of drawers and took a black riding crop from it. She brandished it at Tony and said in an unnaturally deep voice, "You heard her. Zip it."

The one in white chuckled and continued to hold his abdomen as the woman in red started snipping away at his hairy body again. "This will only get so close, then we'll have to get a razor to finish the job. But we'll have him ready for Ziva before midnight. Tonight we're gonna get us some TIVA!"

Blackie jumped and pumped her fists and yelled "Yeah!"

"Abby? Is that you? Why are you doing this to me?"

She just brandished the riding crop at him again and in the same voice as before said, "I said Zip it."

Tony raised his head and looked down his body again. What caught his eye, though, was the bare bottom of the woman in the white corset pointed straight at him. The only thing breaking the view was the garter strap bisecting each butt cheek stretched tight to the back of each white stocking. "Wow!" he thought. That bare bottom curved into the most graceful, gorgeous legs he remembered seeing and they were encased in white stockings with black boots that came over her calves. He felt himself becoming aroused.

Ziva immediately saw the tent begin to rise in Tony's boxers and turned to look at him. She saw where he was staring and chuckled again, "You zee zomezing you like, big boy?" she asked in an obviously fake accent. "Maybe Siva can get zomezing after all, eh?" She waggled her butt at him and smiled.

"Don't tease the poor man, Whitey. You can see he's trying to rise to the occasion. If you tease him, you might make it go away again. Poor, hairy man. I think it's a shame that Ziva wants to get rid of all this lovely hair, but it's her party, not mine, so I'm going to do what she needs done." SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, she kept cutting the hair, beginning to move up toward his chest.

He whined and he cursed, but Tony couldn't make them stop and very quickly the hair on his belly and chest was sheared as close to the skin as they could get it with scissors. There was a knock at the door so soft that Tony almost didn't hear it, but all three women did and they all turned their bare backsides to him and walked through the door to see who was calling. The woman in white was the last one out and she turned and looked at him as she closed the door. He would swear she had winked at him, and she slapped herself on the left buttock as she walked out.

He tugged at the cuffs as hard as he dared and tried to get his feet free, but could make no headway. At least this time the cuffs had nice fur on them. He could do nothing but wait to see what lay in store for him next.

He heard whispering then laughter from the adjoining room, and it included male laughter. "Who are these women and who have they got helping them now?" he wondered. He didn't have to wonder long.

The door opened and the woman in red came in snapping her bullwhip in the air with a loud CRACK! Next was the woman in black brandishing her riding crop and whipping it against the leather of her knee high boot for emphasis. The last one in was the woman in white and she was carrying a whip of interwoven silk scarves tied to what looked like the cut off end of a broom handle. She snapped it just like the bullwhip and it CRACKED too, but with a higher pitch. Ouch. That sounded mean. The next one into the room was a complete surprise.

He was a tall, slender man dressed like a member of a barbershop quartet, complete with striped vest and white straw hat, and he had on a Richard Nixon mask that covered his entire face. He also carried a straight razor and a can of shave cream.

"Palmer, I know that's you…you damned undertaker. You stay away from me with that razor! Don't come near me, damn it! I mean it!"

Jimmy Palmer, dressed in his fancy singing duds was nonchalant and moved quickly to Tony's side and sprayed shaving cream on his chest and began to rub it around, much to the delight of the ladies.

"His skin will be soft as a baby's butt. Ziva will love it," said Snippy.

"Oh, yeah, she'll feel just fine rubbing herself against that smooth chest and belly."

"I am not sure what Siva will feel," said the woman in white. "She might not like Tony at all, except as a horsey ride now and then." She was smiling broadly.

Tony was jerking himself against the hand cuffs and scarves fastening him to the bed, and whipping his body around trying to get loose.

CRACK! "Stop that, DiNozzo! You'll only wind up hurting yourself if you keep jerking around. Let the man do his job and we'll get this night finished off the right way!"

Jimmy began on Tony's chest, scraping the hair and shave cream away with the straight razor. He worked carefully around the clavicle then moved down. Tony jerked again as the razor edged closer to a nipple.

"You want him to cut that thing off, you dunce?" asked Snippy. "Just be still and save yourself some blood. Whack him a good one across the legs here, Blackie. Teach him to be still."

Abby was careful not to hit Tony hard enough to hurt him as her riding crop popped across his upper thighs. That got Tony's attention all right!

"Hey, careful of the family jewels there, missy. I'll be still."

Ziva noticed that there was no tenting at all left in Tony's boxers. She couldn't help but tease him about it. "Zo, a little hurt makes the little Tony unhappy? I will rub the legs to make zem feel all better." She knelt beside the bed and reached toward Tony's legs but popped right back up again. In Ziva's voice she said, "Now I understand about the spurs…must not squat with them on." She rubbed her backside to soothe the pain and looked at Tony saying, "Want to kiss it and make it better, Tony?" The tent began to rise again.

Palmer was making good progress with the straight razor now that Tony was still. As he moved onto the abdomen, Snippy said, "Come with me, girls, we have some talking to do." She led the way out of the bedroom with the other two women following.

"Wait a second, Abby…er, I mean, Blackie. I'm going to need some help turning him over to shave his back."

Jimmy finished shaving Tony's front and stood admiring his work. "Smooth as silk. You look good, Tony. Ziva will love this."

He began to untie Tony's feet. "Wait, what are you doing?" asked Abby.

"He's got to have his feet loose to turn over."

"Okay, but be careful."

"Get up there and sit on him. I'm going to have to loosen one of the cuffs too."

She straddled Tony and wriggled a bit getting settled. "This could actually be fun. Okay, Jimmy, I've got him. Ready when you are."

DiNozzo was ready. The instant the cuff was loose on his right hand he bucked Abby off onto the floor and jerked his hands down. Sitting up, he hit Palmer in the jaw with as much leverage as he could muster. Palmer went down in a heap, out cold. DiNozzo jumped off the bed and headed straight for the bedroom door the fur covered cuff dangling from his left wrist. He took a quick look to make certain the coast was clear and ran to the front door. He opened it and ran pell-mell down the hallway to the exit stairs.

"Help! Tony's escaped!" cried Abby. "and Jimmy's hurt."

Ziva ran from the kitchen where she and Snippy had been talking and found the front door wide open. She looked both ways down the hallway and just caught a glimpse of DiNozzo going through the door to the stairs – wearing nothing but his boxers and the dangling cuff. She decided he had too much of a head start for her to catch him so she returned to the bedroom to find both Abby and Snippy hovering over Jimmy trying to bring him back to consciousness.

"You see him out there?" asked Snippy.

"Yes, but I want to put on some trousers and a shirt before I go hunting him. He should not be hard to find. He is wearing only his boxers." Ziva grinned broadly. "I would like to see the reaction of the people who see him running down the street. He will surely stop traffic." She chuckled.

"But Ziva, we have let TIVA out of our hands again," whined Snippy. "I cannot go on this way. It was so close, yet it slips away each time. I can't live without resolution. TIVA must happen!" She slammed her open hand against the floor next to Jimmy's head.

Jimmy started and Abby said, "Careful, Snippy, you don't want to hurt Jimmy. He really tried to help us tonight."

"Yeah, but it looks like he just turned one half of TIVA loose on metropolitan D.C. He should not have loosened those cuffs."

"We had to turn him over to shave his back," said Jimmy, finally coming round.

Ziva was getting dressed to go after Tony.

"Ziva, I've lost heart for tonight. I couldn't enjoy TIVA tonight even if you could capture him and bring him back. Just let him go until we can come up with a new plan. Maybe your love for him will grow again and you will want him just as he is."

"You mean with hair on his back and a shaved chest?" asked Ziva with a laugh in her voice. "I have had fun tonight. We can make a better plan to torture him and make him want me at the same time."

"That's my girl. Let's go finish our tea and let Abby get Jimmy up and moving."

"I will be fun to find out what story Tony will tell Gibbs tomorrow. I will be surprised if he gets to work on time and he may even end up in jail…and him with his upper body shaved." Ziva could not remember when she had smiled and laughed as much as she had tonight.

Snippy and Ziva went to the kitchen. Drinking their tea and talking desultorily about NCIS, they passed several minutes. Ziva looked up sharply, head cocked, listening.

Thump, thump, thump.

"Do you hear that, Snippy?

Thump, thump, thump. A little louder. Then…

"Jimmy, ohhh, Jimmy. Wow! More! Jiiimmmyyy!!!

With a large smile on her face Snippy said, "We didn't get TIVA, so I guess that JABBY will do for tonight. Hehehe"

Ziva nodded thinking, "I hope I have a set of clean sheets."


End file.
